“If I had not been elected President of the United States, we would right now, in my opinion, be in a major war with North Korea with potentially millions of people killed.” —President Donald Trump, State of the Union address, February 5, 2019.
It’s my opinion that my years of establishing relationships with international students has carried a long-lasting, positive United States message to many points of the globe.
A recent example: I met this South Korean co-ed in the dingy coffee shop by Macalester College this past year and the United States has avoided war with North Korea. Coincidence? No way. And, no, I haven’t mixed up the Koreas. She said her parents are from North Korea, having escaped through barbed wire and a boat or something, and gave birth to her in South Korea. They still have relatives in North Korea, and, apparently, they get to talk once in a while. Being an ambassador at heart, I show her All-American warmth and affection! I reassure her again and again in her dorm room that the US supports South Korea and wants North Korea to get better! She relays these messages to her parents, so, they are getting through to the North, I am sure.
I have also started relations with an Palestinian exchange student whom I met at that same coffee shop (what luck!). I don’t have much progress to report yet but I can assure you I am doing my best to navigate the situation, break down barriers with careful words (I know a lot of words!), and deliver a warm American embrace to the Middle East. Diplomacy can be difficult, however, I’ve learned that my South Korean contact might be suspicious of these negotiations. I’ve had to meet Palestine at a nearby Caribou Coffee.
I feel it’s important to attempt to establish relations in all continents, of course. A regular Parisian contact I have said she has developed strong interest from her liaison with highly skilled Ghanaian about the three of us getting together for meaningful contact. I read from some Bill Gates guy, who seems very important, that 60 percent of Africa is under the age of 25. It’s important to establish relations with that youthful population.
Oh, and I nearly forgot this! If I wasn’t a food blogger (among MANY other things that I do) that whole Ukraine thing would be a lot worse. I was on a junket with other food bloggers (fully paid!) in New Brunswick, and there was this Rooskie chef who said he owned six high-end steak joints in Moscow, and you just know that if you own restaurants in Moscow, you’re paying bribes out your ass or you’re in league with Putin. And I went shot for shot with this guy—great guy, by the way—of whatever vodka he had in his suitcase, and we, like, totally bonded. I won’t go into details, because I’m sure most of it is what our Federales would call classified, but, I am positive, in my opinion, that I cooled things down internally and deflected total NATO involvement.
More proof? My witty replies to Ian Bremer’s Tweets receive an average of 766 views and 9 impressions. ‘Nuff said.
I should apologize for something, though. I was in this pub in London a few years back and some pudgy dweeb kept rambling on and on and on about Europe—he had a great voice, though. I could imagine him and that Netanyahu guy my Palestinian contact showed me online would be a dynamite singing duo. Anyway, he just wouldn’t shut his mouth and I’m trying to get to know this gorgeous Goth poet so I say, “Who the fuck do you think you are?” And he says, “I’m the fucking Mayor, good sir,” and I say, “Well, Mr. Mayor, I’m El Presidenté, and if you don’t like Europe, why don’t you get the fuck out?” And he said, “Well, that’s not a bad idea,” and I said, “Neither would getting a decent haircut.” Then I saw him on TV a few years later and well, you know what’s been happening with that. And he still had a shitty haircut.
